White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
