Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just cropdusted the office
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
A bitchslap is in order.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
