So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
