This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
