So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
