I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
