Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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