She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
