A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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