If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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