what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
