i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
why does every cop we meet know your name?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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