Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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