seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
