her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
