just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
