Your tits are I can't wait for
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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