it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
