my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
