What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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