I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
