we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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