i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
