i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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