Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
