oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize