Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
