peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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