I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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