I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
