Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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