I accidentally burped into my bong.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
