if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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