I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
