I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
