Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
