Kareoke will never be a sober sport
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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