No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
