He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
