We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So much rum. So many feels.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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