i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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