Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
