mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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