There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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