The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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