So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
