Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
