So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
