I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
