I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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