I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
