i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
