nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I am naked and annoyed.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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