Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
pop tarts are not kleenex
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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