im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize