My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she told me i tasted like america
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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