you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Randomize
