I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
