I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
